In this episode, I have the great pleasure of talking with trauma-informed Author and Coach Laura Connell about her fascinating book “It’s Not Your Fault: The Subconscious Reasons We Self-Sabotage and How to Stop”.

Laura explains that at the root of many issues in our personal and professional lives is childhood trauma often stemming from dysfunctional families and unhealthy environments in which children were not cared for adequately and their needs were not met in addition to often being ignored, abused, and rejected by parents and caregivers.

This then shapes and forms the nervous system priming its fight-and-fight survival mode while at the same time creating the inner child within us that is trying to protect us by using and adhering to maladaptive coping skills that often include self-sabotage.

In these situations and under these circumstances, we lack the joy and enjoyment of life as we remain in a perpetual state of hypervigilance defending ourselves against threats and trying to keep us safe from harm. Moreover, we often subconsciously overreact to minor incidents and engage in negative thinking when someone phones and contacts us by expecting the worst or believing that we have done something wrong or are in trouble now.

But as Laura points out, we can practice and learn how to set boundaries because, without boundaries, it's impossible to have an authentic life. She also presents ways of reducing if not eliminating negative self-talk. These remedies need to be somatic in nature as CBT and behavior modification do not address the deeply held problems and issues, and often it is not due to a lack of willpower but rather a lack of self-knowledge. This is also why affirmations tend not to work in these cases and may even make things worse.

Finally, it is important not to be driven by external validation but rather to allow and give yourself some time and space for self-care as well as hobbies and activities you enjoy alongside real sensory delights. In this way, you are showing yourself appreciation and it impacts your self-esteem because you are telling your brain that you value and appreciate yourself for the valuable and beautiful being you already are both within and without.