I don’t know exactly what was going on, but a lot of reports have come in about a large and raucous celebration that took place over in Manchester last night. Stories are conflicting but one thing seems clear, there once was a thing in the city that filled people with a sense of impending doom and last night it apparently took its leave. Soo, congratulations Manchester, we’re all very happy for you! Quick question: was the source of impending doom Canadian Geese? If so, how did you get them to leave? Asking for a friend. This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

While I’ve recovered somewhat from what I shall forevermore refer to as the Canadian Revelation I have to admit, it’s left me scarred. I didn’t realize how deep the hurt went until I received the following sponsor spot in my work email this morning.

“Swing into savings with vines, a great cardio intensive and carbon neutral means of travel. The shortest distance from point A to point B is no longer a line, it’s a graceful arc. Don’t take our word for it, listen to this great testimonial from Chester Chase, Cryptid Bounty Hunter:

“I love to swing on vines. I do it all the time. Everyone should swing on vines. Protect the Ozone layer. Down with cars. Cars are stupid. Swing on vines.

“You heard it here, so it must be true, Chester Chase doesn’t want you to drive in your cars anymore! Let’s put a stop to ozone depletion! Travel instead via conveniently placed vines! It’s a two fold heart healthy system. Your heart will feel better for the physical exercise but you’ll also have the added psychological benefits of virtue signaling when you let others know how much better you are than them because you care about the ozone layer! Wanna feel fine? Swing on a vine!

“Head on down to your local car dealership today and turn in your keys!”

Now folks, while I am quick to embrace all the craziness of this beautiful made up world I live in, I have to draw the line somewhere and I think I’ve found it. I’m afraid I find the email address [email protected] is more than a little suspicious. So at the risk of losing advertising dollars (which are paid in monopoly money anyway) I’m going to go out on a limb and say: Don’t believe everything you hear from the fictional advertisers on this program.

Don’t take my word for it though, Chester Chase himself sent me this message to play for you.

CHESTER: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been misrepresented and would like to set the story straight. What you heard was indeed my voice and my words, but taken completely out of context. In truth, I was contacted by a representative of the ozone layer asking me to encourage people to travel the way I do. Here's my real response:

“I love to swing on vines. I do it all the time. However, not everyone should swing on vines. I have special cryptid abilities that make vines appear when I reach for them. I don't recommend anyone try that. If they do, I can't protect them from what is sure to be a very bad day. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the Ozone layer, and I want to support its work. I could not, however, in good conscience say things like:

Down with cars.

I drive big rigs at 88 miles an hour for crying out loud. I don't think cars are stupid. I like cars. So I'm sorry but my message to the public is this: Absolutely do not ever, swing on vines."

There you have it folks, Chester Chase himself setting the record straight. Maybe good things can come out of Canada. The next time you’re out driving in your car I recommend you drive by 5290 Milwaukee Rd. It’s right across the street from the Tecumseh Golf Club. That way you’ll know exactly how to get to the Not Really Radio Event on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm

Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio