53 How shame impacts your conflict competence

Conflict Owner's Manual

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Feeling shame doesn't leave you much room for dealing with conflict. Shame fills a lot of space, crowding out empathy and perspective taking. How can you be conflict competent when you're beating up on yourself in shame? We give a few tips.

Show notes:

Brené Brown, in Rising Strong, writes that vulnerability is “the birthplace of many of the fulfilling experiences we long for—love, belonging, joy, creativity, and trust” (p. xviii) and that “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” (p. 4).

“The key to moving forward is what we do with our discomfort. We can use it as a door out—blame the messenger and disregard the message. Or we can use it as a door in by asking, Why does this unsettle me? What would it mean for me if this were true?” - Robin Diangelo

“Discomfort is a part of slowing down and becoming more present. If we acknowledge and pay attention to it, it means that we’re allowing energy to do what it does naturally which is conflict” - Amelia Meman

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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