Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. – Philippians 2:3-4 NLT

Learning how to tend to Sarah’s emotional needs has been one of the most difficult marital lessons for me. I’m still learning how to be patient with her feelings in those little, day-to-day confrontations, especially when I can’t relate to where she’s coming from. There is little I’ve worked harder at, and failed more at, than putting her need to be heard before my desire to move on.

Recently, Sarah addressed this weakness in front of our friends. It stung me, because it’s something I take seriously. I’ve strived to improve on it with God’s help. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I stewed over what Sarah had said. I started to feel angry and I laid awake wondering if I should address my feelings with her. I worried about whether or not she would understand my feelings. Would she be able to empathize even after I struggled to do the same for her?

That’s when I went inward with a simple question, “Is it true?” I mean, was it true what she said about me, that I had a hard time responding appropriately when she was hurt? Do the times I’ve gotten it right void the pain of when I’ve gotten it wrong? Does the fact that I’m changing mean that her struggle is no longer real?

I started to see some things more clearly, and my anger began to fade into humility. Sarah had simply spoken truth about our relationship during a vulnerable conversation with trusted friends. I know Sarah’s heart, and I know her intent wasn’t malicious. She just wanted to move closer to me through honest communication. I started to realize that maybe it wasn’t Sarah, but the truth that had bothered me. Maybe I wanted to shoot the messenger because I couldn’t face the message. I had to put aside my own interests, embrace her desire to be heard, and receive what she needed me to hear.

I had to fight my impulses and inner dialogue first, so love could win the war.

Consider:

What is a message your spouse has tried to communicate to you? Can you see beyond the messenger to find the heart of the message?

That message, is it true? If so, how will you receive it?