In this episode of the Helping Families Be Happy podcast, host Christopher Robbins interviews parenting expert Donna Tetreault about building trust within families. They discuss the foundational importance of trust in parent-child relationships, drawing on insights from Stephen M.R. Covey's work on trust. Donna emphasizes the difference between smart trust and blind trust, explaining how parents can give age-appropriate autonomy while maintaining necessary boundaries. The conversation covers practical strategies for handling broken trust, encouraging self-advocacy in children, and the importance of natural consequences. Donna also stresses the need for parents to trust themselves in their parenting journey and extend grace to both themselves and their children.

Episode Highlights
00:00:10: Christopher Robbins introduces the podcast and welcomes guest Donna Tetreault, a national TV parenting journalist, author, and educator who shares parenting strategies on major Los Angeles television stations.
00:01:40: Donna expresses excitement about being on the podcast.
00:01:43: Christopher discusses the importance of trust, referencing Dr. Stephen R. Covey's work and Stephen M.R. Covey's book "The Speed of Trust," establishing trust as the foundation of all relationships.
00:02:48: Donna explains the importance of trusting children in their decision-making process, citing Maria Montessori's quote about never doing for a child what they can do for themselves, while emphasizing the need for boundaries and coaching.
00:03:56: Christopher asks Donna to explain the concept of self-advocacy.
00:04:02: Donna defines self-advocacy as allowing children to build their own lives and make decisions, using the example of choosing friends rather than parents arranging all social interactions.
00:05:16: Christopher introduces the concept of smart trust versus dumb trust, using the humorous example of letting a newly licensed teen drive a brand new Ferrari.
00:06:02: Donna provides practical examples of age-appropriate trust, including bedtimes and technology use, explaining how to gradually increase responsibility as children demonstrate capability.
00:07:13: Donna discusses homework as an example of building trust and autonomy, encouraging parents to step back when children show responsibility rather than hovering.
00:08:02: Christopher introduces the concept of check-ins or mileposts, suggesting a "trust but verify" approach.
00:08:33: Donna agrees with the check-in approach, noting that younger children need more frequent check-ins while older children should require fewer as they build autonomy.
00:09:20: Christopher shares his personal experience as a father of nine, noting that different children require different levels of check-ins.
00:09:30: Donna emphasizes that every child is different and parents should trust themselves to read their children's individual needs.
00:09:53: Christopher asks how to handle situations when children break trust.
00:10:11: Donna advises against harsh reactions, recommending connection and compassion instead, and introduces Tina Payne Bryson's concept of saying children have "bent" rather than "broken" trust.

00:11:47: Christopher appreciates the phrase "bent my trust" as valuable advice.
00:11:53: Donna and Christopher agree on the value of the reframing.
00:12:15: Donna role-plays how to approach a teen who hasn't been attending school, emphasizing getting curious rather than immediately punishing.
00:13:18: Christopher shares his personal story of not attending high school for weeks and how his
stepfather handled it with trust and a simple question.
00:13:36: Donna expresses surprise at Christopher's story.
00:13:53: Donna asks why Christopher wasn't attending school.
00:13:56: Christopher explains he wanted to do other activities like skiing and fly fishing, finding school boring.
00:14:29: Donna agrees with Christopher's philosophy.
00:14:31: Christopher emphasizes that parenting is a marathon not a sprint, using the phrase "never judge a man by his youth," and asks about experiencing natural consequences.
00:14:55: Donna discusses the importance of natural consequences rather than arbitrary punishments like taking away phones, allowing children to experience real-world results of their choices.
00:15:37: Christopher notes that sometimes natural consequences can be quite severe.
00:15:44: Donna acknowledges severe consequences and discusses how parents can support children through making up missed work while maintaining appropriate boundaries with teachers.
00:16:41: Christopher asks if there's anything else Donna wants to share.
00:16:48: Donna encourages parents to trust themselves, acknowledging that parenting is difficult
regardless of expertise, and emphasizes giving oneself grace as a model for children.
00:17:28: Christopher asks where listeners can find Donna online.
00:17:34: Donna directs listeners to her Instagram account at Donna Tetreault.
00:17:41: Christopher asks Donna to spell her last name.
00:17:43: Donna spells out her name: T-E-T-R-E-A-U-L-T.
00:17:49: Christopher concludes the podcast, thanking Familius for support and encouraging listeners to subscribe, leave reviews, and extend trust one step at a time.

Key Takeaways

• Trust is the foundation of effective parenting and should be extended to children in age-appropriate ways, allowing them to develop autonomy and decision-making skills.
• Practice "smart trust" rather than "blind trust" by setting appropriate boundaries while giving children opportunities to demonstrate responsibility.
• When trust is broken, use compassionate language like "you've bent my trust" rather than harsh accusations, and focus on rebuilding rather than punishing.
• Allow children to experience natural consequences of their actions rather than imposing arbitrary punishments, as real-world results are often more effective teachers.
• Different children require different levels of oversight and check-ins; trust yourself as a parent to recognize each child's individual needs.
• Self-advocacy begins early by allowing children to make age-appropriate decisions, from choosing friends to managing homework and bedtimes.
• Parents should extend grace to themselves and trust their own parenting instincts, modeling self-compassion for their children.
• Get curious rather than punitive when children make mistakes, asking "what's going on?" instead of immediately reacting with anger.

Quotable Moments

• "Never do for a child what they can do for themselves" - Maria Montessori quote shared by Donna Tetreault
• "We're trying to tell our kids that we trust you in the process of your life" - Donna Tetreault
• "Instead of telling your child that you have broken my trust, you can say, you've bent my trust" - Tina Payne Bryson concept shared by Donna
• "You should never judge a man by his youth" - Christopher Robbins
• "We want our kids to know that we believe them to be capable" - Donna Tetreault
• "Trust yourself to know that you're doing the best that you can and honor that and give yourself grace" -Donna Tetreault
• "It doesn't matter if you've written a book, if you've studied it, if you're a former teacher, if you're a psychologist, it just doesn't matter. It's very difficult parenting in this day and age" - Donna Tetreault