When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly. This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect. This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens. We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies. The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge.

Time Stamps

4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship

5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension

6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being

8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood

8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc

10:10 Getting a phone, losing the phone and the consequences

12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters

14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience

• Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on it
• Have open communication to discuss his relationship with the phone
• Use a cell phone contract

19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)

21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser”

22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home

24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses

27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”

29:35 Talk about family meetings

30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid

32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments

• “This is not working for me”
• Role play other versions
• Choose timing that might work better than in the moment

The two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herself

Leslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment.

Resources:

Cell Phone Contract

Handout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Video explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBT

Leslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soon

Handout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist Aid

Handout on Positive intention - coming soon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and