In this episode, I sit down with relationship and anxiety therapist Valerie Rubin for an illuminating conversation about why so many of us with anxious attachment feel drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. We dig into the early wounds and nervous system imprints that shape our adult attraction patterns, how self-abandonment becomes a survival strategy, and what it really takes to break the cycle of choosing inconsistency over security. Valerie brings both clinical depth and grounded warmth to this discussion, offering practical tools and compassionate insight for anyone ready to rewrite their relational blueprint and move toward partners who can truly show up.

We dive deep on:

• Why We’re Drawn to Emotional Unavailability: unpacking how childhood wounds, early attachment patterns, and nervous system wiring make inconsistency feel like chemistry.
• Breaking Attraction Cycles: exploring how familiar emotional chaos can hijack your sense of safety and how to interrupt the urge to chase partners who can’t truly show up.
• The Roots of Anxious Attachment: understanding the pre-verbal imprints that shape self-worth, relational expectations, and what your body reads as “secure.”
• Self-Abandonment and Emotional Needs: identifying the subtle ways anxious attachers silence themselves, shrink their needs, or over-function to maintain connection.
• Rewriting Your Internal Blueprint: learning how self-trust, emotional honesty, and nervous system regulation help you choose stability over unpredictability.
• Co-Regulation as a Path to Healing: exploring how safe people, therapists, and grounded partners can help your system recalibrate and experience true emotional availability.
• Feeling Safe in Your Own Body: using somatic awareness and regulation tools to differentiate between real red flags and the discomfort of healthy intimacy.
• Normalizing Uncertainty in Early Dating: recognizing that doubt, activation, and hypervigilance are common for anxious attachers — and learning how to navigate them skillfully.
• Embracing Secure Connection: replacing old attraction patterns with partners who offer consistency, emotional presence, and genuine availability.

Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:

• Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com
• Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy
• Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit
• Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching
• Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment

To connect with Valerie Rubin, follow her @healwithval on Instagram. Be sure to listen to our previous episode on Valerie's Anxiety Recovery podcast here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2tcOwfBj1RqJwQdun0A3ya?si=2bD3tBrvQkK_DWBX4SjdEw%E2%81%A0

And check out her masterclass, How to break your attraction to emotionally unavailable partners:
stan.store/healwithval/p/get-my-templateebookcourse-now-ora8z2gu

Keywords: anxious attachment, emotional unavailability, relationship healing, self-worth, communication skills, nervous system, vulnerability, co-regulation, emotional safety, inner child healing