In today’s episode, of The Autism Mums Podcast, Victoria is hosting solo as Nat is home with an unwell little one. She’s joined by the wonderful Carla Wainwright, a Holistic Wellness Coach and Relationship Transformation specialist who supports parents and couples navigating the stress, overwhelm, and emotional load that can come when a child’s health or development needs extra support.

Carla Wainwright's Biography

Carla Wainwright is a Holistic Wellness Coach and Relationship Transformation specialist who helps parents and couples navigate the stress, disconnection, and overwhelm that can come when a child’s health or development needs extra support. With a graduate degree in biological sciences, a 4-year practitioner diploma in Homeopathy and Heilkunst, and over 25 years as an embodied yoga teacher, Carla blends science, somatic practice, and coaching to guide couples in rekindling intimacy, deepening connection, and restoring shared purpose. Her compassionate, practical approach creates space for parents to thrive - both individually and together—while walking alongside their child’s unique health journey.

Key Takeaways

• Many relationship challenges stem from the fact that none of us were taught how to stay connected when life feels overwhelming.
• Parenting a neurodivergent or high-needs child can magnify existing patterns of disconnection within a couple.
• Emotional exhaustion and nervous system overload often show up as distance, irritability, or feeling like “roommates” instead of partners.
• Co-regulation—calming your nervous systems together—is often the first gentle step toward rebuilding intimacy.
• Small, simple practices like sitting side-by-side, holding hands, or breathing together can create emotional safety.
• Clear and compassionate communication, especially using “I” language, helps both people feel heard rather than blamed.
• Loving, well-expressed boundaries can strengthen a relationship rather than push partners apart.
• Prioritising your relationship supports the whole household
• Understanding each partner’s unique coping style can ease misunderstandings and reduce conflict.
• The path back to connection starts with nervous system regulation—first for yourself, and then with each other.

Connect with Carla

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carlawainwright/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CarlaWainwrightCreatrix/

Website: https://www.carlawainwright.com/

Free Gift: The Connected Way Forward – Carla’s free 3-minute connection practice for couples, designed to gently rebuild closeness even when life feels overwhelming

https://www.carlawainwright.com/connected-way-forward

Connect with The Autism Mums

Website https://theautismmums.com/

Follow us on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theautismmums

Follow us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theautismmums

Transcript

Rebuilding Relationships While Supporting Neurodivergent

Children with Carla Wainwright

[00:00:00]

Victoria Bennion:

Hello and welcome. It's Victoria and I'm on my own today as Nat has an ill

child, but I'm grateful to be joined by our guest, Carla Wayne Wright. Carla is

a holistic wellness coach and relationship transformation specialist who helps

parents and couples find their way through the stress and emotional load that

comes with supporting a child whose development or health needs are a little

different.

Victoria Bennion:

Welcome to the podcast, Carla. It's great to have you here with us today.

Carla Wainwright: Oh,

I'm thrilled to be here. Thank you.

Victoria Bennion: How

did you get into this line of work? I wonder if you Could talk to us about your

own journey.

Carla Wainwright:

Sure. Yeah. So, you know, my background actually started in science, so I

worked for many years as a wildlife biologist. I always had like a deep passion

for nature and animals, and I began to shift into homeopathy and holistic

health. As a result of, you know, my own healing journey. And when I was

practicing as a homeopath, you know, I was working with families who had

children with complex or neurodivergent needs and, you know, [00:01:00] parents is usually the mother would come

in, of course wanting to support the child, but it became really clear to me,

of course, there was this immense stress that the parents were carrying and

that the stress was showing up in the family dynamic and also in the

relationship. And so I would always encourage the mother to get support and,

and treatment as well because,

Carla Wainwright: it,

the mother's falling apart. It's so hard for her to support her, her child, and

her family. And so over time, I did this for quite a while and then in my own

journey , of healing my own trauma, I became a sex, love and relationship

coach. And that worked naturally expanded to supporting women and couples.

Carla Wainwright: And

I have a deep. Passion to support couples, to reconnect to , their intimacy, ,

their connection, their emotional resilience. I, I really feel that. You know,

the container of the couple., It's like this beautiful, sacred container for

growth and evolution. But we're not taught how to do this.

Carla Wainwright:

Relationships [00:02:00] can be beautiful and

powerful and deeply challenging, and that's even without all the extra

responsibilities of, of parenting and caregiving. One of my passions is

supporting couples to, strip off some of those layers of their own hurt

experiences or traumas to really connect back to one another in the ways that

brought them together in the first place so that their relationship and their

families can flourish.

Carla Wainwright: We

all wanna thrive. But often we need support to be able to do that. So it, it

is, it's one of my great joys to be able to support couples on that path and in

turn, really allow their families and their childrens to thrive as well.

Victoria Bennion: Oh,

that's lovely. What are some of the common challenges that you see couples

facing when they're raising a child who needs extra support?

Carla Wainwright:

Yeah, so this is something that. Many, many couples deal with. And you know,

actually I would say that couples who may not even have children face all kinds

of challenges. And, um, I think I'd like to preface this [00:03:00] by, by saying, I, I feel like

relationships are something that we're just supposed to magically know how to

do without any training.

Carla Wainwright:

And, uh, the reality is, is that most of us didn't, we weren't necessarily

modeled great relationships in our families, like I certainly wasn't. Some of

us were lucky to have parents who modeled great relationships, but it's not the

norm. And then of course we have culture and just society modeling, not always

healthy relationships.

Carla Wainwright: So

we're somehow just supposed to magically know how to navigate relationships and

have a thriving partnership that is able to weather all kinds of storms and

challenges. And the reality is, is that we don't really have. That base. So I

always come to, you know, the idea of relationships with a lot of compassion

because.

Carla Wainwright:

Often the starting point is that we actually don't really know how to stay

connected, especially when things are difficult. So if we layer on top of that

parenting a child who needs extra support, this really then can amplify [00:04:00] a lot of preexisting patterns of

disconnection that might be already.

Carla Wainwright:

Present in a relationship. And you know, there's so many challenges that

couples can face. So of course there's the emotional exhaustion, nervous system

overload. You know, parents are running on empty living in fight or flight

mode. And then we can layer on top of that for women. As they move into their

later thirties and forties all of the perimenopausal symptoms, which are also

exacerbating stress responses and hormone fluctuations and make everything in

life that much more difficult.

Carla Wainwright: Um.

Other challenges that parents face are, you know, there's an uneven load. Often

one parent is taking on more of the emotional, logistical, or therapeutic care

and that can create , more distance. And you know, when that distance really

begins to take hold, the identity of the couple. Begins to become lost and the

couple really starts to function more in like, they're [00:05:00]

just in project management mode rather than being like a unified couple.

Carla Wainwright: And

so the identity of who those two people were when they first got together often

begins to fracture. But I wanna normalize it because it's really, really

common.

Victoria Bennion: I

Victoria Bennion:

think so much of what you said is really relatable

Carla Wainwright:

Absolutely. And then I guess I would also add to that is that, you know, people

are individuals and they're gonna have their own ways of coping and their own

ways to deal with things. And if that is not done in a way that are where those

differences are recognized, acknowledged, and maybe even celebrated, then that

can even also cause a lot of stress.

Victoria Bennion: So

when you're in a relationship and you are under this stress, what are some ways

that you can use to rekindle that intimacy?

Carla Wainwright: So

often that can feel like that can feel like a big stretch, you know, to

rekindle intimacy. And so I think it's so important to just start with very,

very small, doable, uh, practices or even just an [00:06:00]

intention. To just bring back some closeness and connection together. So the,

the most important thing to recognize is that intimacy, it thrives on safety.

Carla Wainwright: And

so feeling regulated in your body is the absolute foundation always. And this

is especially important for women. So. I think a lot of couples think, well, if

I just throw in a date night, then everything, you know, we're gonna be able to

rekindle that intimacy. And a date night is fantastic, but that's often like

step 10.

Carla Wainwright:

It's not step number one. So the, the very first thing to do is to really just

start with co-regulation. So what I mean by that is just soothing your own

nervous system. And your partner's nervous system. So that could be as simple

as just sitting side by side where maybe just your arms are touching or your

legs are touching and just breathing together.

Carla Wainwright:

Maybe you're holding hands in silence, um, maybe you're just lying down next to

one another and there's just like, no [00:07:00]

speaking. These micro moments are, are really, really important because it

signals to the body like. Exhale, and that it's okay to perhaps move to the

next step, which might be a little more contact touch on the shoulder.

Carla Wainwright: All

of these kinds of very small things. And these are the things that begin to

build that safety and capacity in the body. Where then maybe the next step

after that is just even having a loving, open-hearted conversation. So, you

know, intimacy. We often associate with needing to be sexual.

Carla Wainwright:

Absolutely can include that. But I think we actually have to start even before

that, especially for couples who feel like they've drifted apart and maybe

living more as like roommates or household managers in some way to just really

take those small steps. And I think that. Communicating the need for small

steps is also super important.

Carla Wainwright: So

being transparent about your capacity. So like, I wanna be close, but I'm [00:08:00] actually just not feeling like I'm there

quite yet. Could we just actually just lie here together or just hold hands and

take five breaths or something like that. And. It's, these types of things are

very, very effective to rekindle that sense of safety and provide more capacity

for leaning into, you know, other other types of intimacy and connecting

connection practices, which then really support the relationship to begin to

flourish again.

Victoria Bennion:

That's

Victoria Bennion:

really useful applies. Thank you. And how important would you say it is to

prioritize your relationship? 'cause as you mentioned, if you are firefighting

and being a house manager and looking after all those things, you might think,

is it really important? What would you say to that?

Carla Wainwright:

Yeah, I, I'd say it's so, so important. You know, the, your relationship.

Really, in many ways can set the, the emotional and energetic tone of the, of

the whole household. And, [00:09:00] you know,

, children attune to their parents' energy. So we all know that saying that,

you know, uh, children, respond to what they see, not to what you tell them to

do or what they hear.

Carla Wainwright:

Right? And so if the couple is able to. Have a space of like calm and

connection, um, and respect for one another, then kids feel safer and more

secure. And that's so important for neurodivergent children who are extra

sensitive to emotional cues and. You know, we also model resilience, uh, to our

children.

Carla Wainwright: So

when we can show compassion, when we can acknowledge that, you know, maybe

we've done something wrong and, and make the effort to repair that when we show

teamwork, it teaches kids emotional regulation in ways that are way more

powerful than words. So I, I really feel like the family environment is

creating that beautiful foundation for your child's wellbeing.[00:10:00]

Carla Wainwright: And

I, I also wanna say though, that if, if you're listening to this and you're

struggling to not, not take this as something you know, to feel guilty about,

it's just an opportunity to perhaps invite in a shift or a different way of

being. Life is stressful and we have a lot on our plates, and it can feel like.

Carla Wainwright:

Maintaining that priority of the relationship just feels like one more thing

that I can't possibly even manage. So it's just about taking very small

incremental steps from a place of regulation in your nervous system, allowing

yourself to feel safe and recognize that even the smallest little ripple is

going to have an impact into the family.

Carla Wainwright: And

so, um. A child's world really begins with your own nervous system. So when

you, you care for yourself and your relationship, you're really tending and

nurturing the soil that your whole family grows from.

Victoria Bennion:

It's so useful to hear that because sometimes I think you can feel [00:11:00] guilty for. Taking that time for yourself.

But I like that being framed, that it's actually in your child's interest, that

you are regulated do you find that some of the parents you work with of the

neurodivergent children are also neurodivergent

Carla Wainwright:

Yes, that absolutely can be the case as well.

Victoria Bennion:

Does that bring up any other difficulties

Carla Wainwright:

Then perhaps that the different types of connection practices that I might

recommend to a couple might look a little bit different. , The need to feel

safe and seen is a pretty universal human quality. So I think that that in many

ways.

Carla Wainwright:

When we really address or like the foundation of feeling safe and seen, um,

that will be the same for everyone, although, you know how you do that may vary

slightly, but certainly, you know, when you're looking at things through a lens

of, of, you know, the couple may be one person, the couples also

neurodivergent.

Carla Wainwright: You

may have to modify the practices in such a [00:12:00]

way or. Or be very generous and expansive with the, with the timeline of that

in order to really support the couple,

Victoria Bennion:

That makes sense. And what role do. Communication and boundaries play in

helping couples navigate these unique challenges.

Carla Wainwright:

Well, yeah. Communication is so, so important. , The three initial pillars that

I work on with couples are, you know, communication, clarity, and connection.

And. Communication is so important , and communication. Again, if, you know,

coming back to what I said earlier, we're not really taught how to do this very

well.

Carla Wainwright:

Right. Often the go-to is to just move into either like shutting down or blame

or being reactive. And many of us haven't really had modeling. Of how to handle

conflict or when we're just feeling like, not like ourselves or we need space

or we need connection, all of those things, like how do we actually ask for

that in a way that the other person feels receptive?[00:13:00]

Carla Wainwright: So

one of the things that I, I often teach, is the framework of, uh, nonviolent

communication, which is just really acknowledging what's happening asking for

what you need. And then, , there's a very simple framework for that. But it

really uses this eye language, like, this is my experience and this is actually

what I need.

Carla Wainwright:

Boundaries are also, of course, really important. And, and when...