Send us a text

Discovering hidden pornography use in your marriage can feel like having the ground ripped from beneath your feet. The questions haunt you: Was it all a lie? Am I not enough? How could I have missed this? In this raw, courageous exploration of betrayal trauma, we address a heartbreaking letter from Paula, who recently discovered her husband's secret pornography use after eight years of marriage.
The emotional devastation of betrayal trauma runs deep, but healing begins with understanding an essential truth—this isn't about you. Dr. Jeff Jamison, Tony Overbay and I unpack why partners often internalize betrayal, questioning their own worth when confronting a partner struggling with pornography. We examine how early exposure (in this case, at age 10) creates neurological pathways that can lead to lifelong struggles with intimacy and authentic connection.
When trust shatters, the body responds as if under attack. We offer practical techniques for nervous system regulation—box breathing, self body scanning, and sensory grounding—while acknowledging the messy reality that healing isn't linear. The question "was our entire relationship a lie?" reveals the painful complexity survivors face as they sort through what was real and what wasn't.
One of the most liberating perspectives we share is that rebuilding trust isn't the betrayed partner's responsibility. The person who broke trust must demonstrate consistent, transparent behavior over time. This shifts the burden off the wounded partner and places it where it belongs—on the person doing the healing work.
Whether you've experienced betrayal or are struggling with pornography use yourself, this conversation offers compassionate insight without judgment. Next week, we'll explore the husband's perspective with equal depth and care. Remember, while pornography addiction damages relationships, it doesn't determine your worth or destiny. Healing is possible, even if the path forward feels impossible to imagine right now.

Have a question? Trouble in your marriage? Contact Trisha directly at [email protected].

Be sure and catch Tony on his podcasts, The Virtual Couch and Waking up to Narcissism.

Leave us a comment! We love to hear your comments!