Everyone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. It's never too late to learn more and better ways. Tyson and Deborah share how they learned conflict management, what tools they use most (spoiler - for Deborah, it's conflict analysis), when they bega…

"Know thyself!" comes to us as philosophical wisdom from antiquity. Self awareness is a conflict competency that increases your adaptability. The self you know is a learning, growing being who strives for quality relationships. Self awareness can prevent conflict, make you more adaptable to manage different kinds of conflict with different strategi…

Everyone has a view of how the world should work according to themselves. Your view is a frame that your holds, among other things, your beliefs, concerns, values, and hopes. But sometimes, your frame rubs wrong against someone else's frame, and oops, conflict happens. That's when a reframe adds a valuable conflict competence. We describe user-frie…

You have habits, everyone does. Habits are patterns of how you behave. Once you recognize how you usually or often react in a conflict you have identified your conflict pattern. Name your reaction pattern, the emotions driving that pattern, and the pattern you'd rather have. Name it, own it, improve it. Show notes Juliet spoke to herself (Act 2, Sc…

Conflicts unfold over time to become patterns. We discuss the many opportunities to manage, shift, change and reframe conflict patterns. When you change the pattern you improve your conflict competence. Tyson refers to adrienne maree brown: https://adriennemareebrown.net/2015/02/02/trust-the-people/ "if you do not trust the people, they will become…

Does your attachment to your point of view make your good questions sound like judgments? Here are four steps to showing that your curiosity comes from your good intentions. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it,…

It's election 2025 tomorrow in Canada, and we discuss conflict competence as a skill in every interaction, as well as necessary for democracy, electioneering, voting, and governing. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, …

Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to ask conflict competent questions, so you can diffuse conflict. The article the explains better questions than starting with the word "why" at this link: https://deborahsword.com/a-conflict-analysis-of-…

A bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when biases cause conflict, or stop you from enjoying the company of friends who hold perspectives you don't share, you'll want some conflict competent hacks to overcome biased thinking. We discuss four of the…

Have you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle of defensive reaction either escalates or is diffused. You can decide if a conflict happens or not. We discuss two useful conflict competencies and how to use them. Send us a text. We love hearing fr…

You have choices about how and when you let the person you're in conflict with know that you're feeling vulnerable. Since your sense of your vulnerability influences the decisions you make in conflict, it's a conflict competence to be mindful of how vulnerable you feel, and how you choose to express or hide that vulnerability. Send us a text. We lo…

Everyone has a mental map of what conflict does or should look like, how it unfolds, and your ideal ending. Not everything on your conflict mental map is conflict competent. What may be on your conflict mental map as one of your strategies may not optimally belong there. Deborah discusses 'deflection' as one strategy that you might want to delete f…

Feeling shame doesn't leave you much room for dealing with conflict. Shame fills a lot of space, crowding out empathy and perspective taking. How can you be conflict competent when you're beating up on yourself in shame? We give a few tips. Show notes: Brené Brown, in Rising Strong, writes that vulnerability is “the birthplace of many of the fulfil…

Have you taken a conflict course and then not used what you learned? Here's what you're missing when you have the knowledge and don't use it regularly. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comme…

Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Pretend you have a private studio audience cheering you on when you make people feel good. Even if people don't reciprocate your efforts to understand them, you still benefit in many ways fro…

You may be comfortable avoiding conflict, which is one of the many responses available to you in conflicts. Avoiding would be your pattern and it can work well. Similarly, you may regularly default to one of the other responses, and that would be your conflict pattern. But, if you encounter a new situation, you will want more options. Here are some…

The words people use can provide insights into what keeps a conflict going. It's a conflict competency to notice the past, present or future tense of words, including your own. Listen to people's word spacers, such as 'er' and 'um' and what words they emphasize or repeat. Even silence or pauses between words can be significant, such as Tyson's 7 se…

Perhaps you know how to say what you want as an 'I message' rather than a 'you message' to avoid antagonizing the other person. I suggest additional strategies that deepen conversations and also go below any superficial presenting issue to the issue underneath. Communicating about the real issues can deepen the relationship, not just avoid antagoni…

Your brain uses your senses to collect data, interpret the information, make a risk assessment, and report to you at the speed of thought. Your brain predicts what is happening, and what might happen, so that you can react. For your reaction to be conflict competent, start with observing your brain do this in real time. Send us a text. We love hear…

Your values and many other factors influence your decision to engage with conflict, how you engage, or if you won't engage. You have more choices than you know. In making your decisions, ask yourself, How Is This About Me (H.I.T.A.M.) and Why Am I Talking (W.A.I.T.). Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict speciali…

When you understand another person, conversations can flow. Perhaps you've heard the expression: 'meet people where they are' and wondered how to do that. We describe empathy mapping and conversation analysis, which are two conflict competent approaches to holistic understanding where people are so you can meet them there. Send us a text. We love h…

Some conversations just miss; you aren't on the same wavelength, no one seems to listen, and you feel verbally attacked. There are two conflict competence skills that get those heated debates back on track. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please s…

Bullies exert power over someone, perhaps to achieve a goal, and perhaps that goal is simple intimidation for selfish rewards. The bully's target has little control over an uneven and unfair conflict that the bully instigates. But, the targeted person can use conflict competent strategies that might change the bully's behaviour. Send us a text. We …

Intentions are invisible. We predict and assume what someone intends, and then act as if what we believe is true. Game on for conflict. There are conflict competent approaches to clarifying someone's intention before we react as if what we assume is true. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with deca…

There are many common statements that trigger conflict. We give strategies for how you can respond when someone pushes your buttons. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love commen…

If someone is trying to insert themselves into your conflict, they're like a conflict ghost. They aren't parties to the conflict, but they want to influence it anyway. Here are suggestions for conflict competent strategies to exorcise the ghost who wants to tell you how to run your conflict. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Swo…

Is there a downside to apologizing? What if your apology isn't accepted? We discuss the conflict competence you gain when you take a chance to offer an apology. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, le…

It's fast and easy to call out someone for an opinion or action, but is it effective? There are more conflict competent and effective steps than calling out. Deborah recommends Dr. Loretta Ross's new book, Calling In: how to start making change with those you'd rather cancel. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict…

Sometimes only two options exist, and neither is ideal. Sometimes, you can expand your choices. If you want better options, can you make the options better? We discuss how. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, …

Gossip may never interact with conflict, or it may cause it conflict and conflict may cause gossip. What are conflict competent responses when conflict and gossip interact in a feedback loop? Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our…

A listener asks about Conflict Owner's Manual goals, and we answer with goals, definitions, examples, personal stories and more about conflict competencies that enhance relationships. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast…

Being in a conflict can make you doubt yourself. Conflicts thrive in that uncertainty. Here are 3 tips for trusting your own conflict competence, because what you know may be enough. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast,…

Conflicts often start about one thing and spiral into blaming, with brittle words like "you always" and "you never" and "but you do it too only worse." We discuss whether taking responsibility can change the pattern of blame. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training…

Some people are so gifted at getting along that it's a pleasure to know them. Matthew Bellas was one of the those special people. Deborah gives three conflict competency tips she learned from Matthew's maxim in life. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share…

Conflict competence is on almost every top ten list for success at work, for relationships and in life. Is conflict competence a hard skill, a soft skill or both? Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, …

When conflict happens, it may look like a simple, one or two issue problem between two or three people. Often, there's more going on than appears on the surface. Context is the environment in which conflict moves. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. P…

Some conflict start small, like you helpfully mention that someone didn't wash a dish, and whoa, it blows into a contest over who never cleans up and who always leaves a mess everywhere. Maybe you weren't looking at the conflict the same ways from the beginning. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist wi…

When persuasion and arguing haven't helped heal a disagreement, you might "agree to disagree" and change the subject. Is there a downside to leaving an argument this way? Deborah suggests trying conflict competent options. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to…

Both pessimism and optimism have strengths and weaknesses in conflict. There's power in pessimism and value in optimism for the conflict competent. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments …

It's tempting to be aggressive to achieve the conflict outcome you prefer. Deborah demonstrates that there are other approaches that are more likely to get results you want. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it,…

As much as people in conflict want to know the consequences of their decisions before they decide, the answer to most conflict questions is: it depends. There are ways to deal with uncertainty, and improve your conflict competence. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and tr…

Sometimes, when people quarrel about whose opinion is correct and who is wrong, I use a simple easy demonstration. Afterwards, they still might not agree who has the best opinion, but they will agree that each of their opinions depends on where they get their viewpoint. Try this at home, work, socially, or wherever you want to practice your conflic…

Conflicts over disagreeable opinions get personal so fast, and, too often, they get insulting. How can you hold such a wrong opinion, you may ask them? Here's an alternative that lets the discussion over opinions stay civil instead of turning into a fight that heats the house. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflic…

Conflicts follow patterns. Changing your conflict patterns improves your conflict competence. Here are three different approaches to changing your conflict pattern. Try all three. Use whichever works for you. You’ll be glad you did. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and t…

Close friends and family members can trigger your heated reactions even when you like or love each other. They think they know you even when you've grown past their image of you. You defend yourself even when you want to not react. We offer a simple (hard) technique to change the script so you can have a peaceful conversation. Our holiday gift to y…

Conflict overwhelms your calm conversational skills that connect you to the other person. So, how do you stay in touch with your calm conversational competence, to carry it into conflict competence? Deborah shows you how to hack your conversation competencies for conflict competencies. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is …

It's great to have norms, manners, policy and structure that foster healthy relationships. But - if those aren't supporting your efforts, you can give yourself permission to be a role model for conflict competence. Here's how. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and trainin…

Change your conflict script; change your conflict. Here's a creative way to rewrite your conflict script to skip the conflict part of the script. Deborah shows her method for changing the future conflict by changing the present script. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience an…

When you expect something and it doesn't happen, who's to blame? What better ways are there to have your expectations met to your satisfaction? We discuss how to prevent conflict from disappointed expectations. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Plea…

Conflict drops a lot of decisions on you, and there's no perfect decision that guarantees the outcome you prefer. Your decisions in conflict depend on many factors, some of which are out of your control. When you think about bias limiting or helping your decisions, you increase your conflict competence. Deborah discusses how that works. Send us a t…