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Most of us have gotten at least a little emotional at some point recently. It’s natural. But why do we have emotions and how much should we pay attention to them on any given day? Can we learn to skillfully choose which emotions to listen to and which ones to just let move on by? In More Than A Feeling, the latest podcast from Ten Percent Happier, host Saleem Reshamwala goes on a real life quest to find the answers to these questions. He’ll experiment with neuroscientists, dive into stories ...
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Ever found yourself wanting to scream when someone launches into their hundredth "woe is me" monologue? Yep, we've been there. In this episode, we talk about one of the more isolating coping mechanisms: self-pity.
We break down exactly what makes self-pity so aggravating for loved ones—that toxic combination of helplessness, victim mentality, and emotional quicksand that seems to pull everyone down. Unlike genuine sadness or grief, self-pity comes with an external locus of control that rejects solutions while demanding endless reassurance. It's the "help me, help me, but don't help me" dynamic that leaves friends, partners, and even therapists feeling utterly powerless.
We explore the psychology behind why people get stuck in self-pitying patterns, the difference between legitimate suffering and wallowing, and the crucial distinction between self-pity ("poor me") and self-compassion ("poor us"). For those drowning in self-pity, we offer actionable strategies to reconnect with agency and break free from the cycle. For the exhausted supporters, we provide practical tools like "dropping the rope" and setting boundaries without drowning in guilt.
Whether you're dealing with a chronically self-pitying loved one or catching yourself falling into these patterns, the way out of self-pity isn't more reassurance—it's recognizing that even in our darkest moments, we always have a choice.
**If you're struggling with a loved one consumed with self pity, book a free call with Dr. Kibby to see you can get expert insights and strategies through KulaMind.
- If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one.
- Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive.
- For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
Chapters
1. Introduction to Self-Pity (00:00:00)
2. Defining Self-Pity vs. Sadness (00:03:06)
3. The Frustrating Behavior of Helplessness (00:12:27)
4. Agency and Victimhood Dynamics (00:22:32)
5. Chronic Pain vs. Emotional Pain (00:32:56)
6. Breaking the Self-Pity Cycle (00:45:21)
7. Wrap-up and Teasing Next Episode (00:51:34)
147 episodes
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