95. A Schema Therapy Take on Defensiveness & How to Reduce it.

The Good Mood Clinic Podcast

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In today's episode, Gemma explores the impact of Defensiveness on relationships, its root causes, and practical steps to overcome it.

Key Points:

Defensive Phrases:
- Common examples: "It's not my fault," "You always," "You never," "You're overreacting."
- Recognize these as signs of defensiveness.
Impact on Relationships:
- Defensiveness is a relationship killer, identified by John and Julie Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
- High levels of defensiveness can predict relationship breakup and divorce.
Triggers and Responses:
- Often triggered by low to medium-level criticisms or requests from a partner.
- Immediate emotional responses include feelings of threat, anger, and injustice.
Behavioral Patterns:
- Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing.
- Redirecting blame or overly justifying actions.
- Counterattacking or withdrawing.
Underlying Causes:
- Common schemas involved: defectiveness, emotional deprivation, mistrust, subjugation.
- Often stems from childhood experiences with critical or narcissistic parents.
Steps to Overcome Defensiveness:
- Reflect on defensive incidents when calm.
- Identify triggers and feelings.
- Recognize the part of yourself you're defending.
- Acknowledge and validate your vulnerable inner child.
- Reassure the defensive part of you that you're now an adult and safe.
- Practice responding calmly and reasonably.
Practical Exercise:
- Sit quietly and recall a recent defensive episode.
- Identify your reaction and underlying feelings.
- Visualize a conversation with your inner child and defender.
- Reassure them and imagine a healthier response in future interactions.

Conclusion: Defensiveness is common but can be managed with self-awareness and compassio

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